Words For When There Are No Words

From Cathy Russell

I haven't been in what we call "paid and accountable" ministry for all that long, but I seem to have done a lot of funerals- especially during my settlement years in northern Ontario.  Every one is different of course, and some are harder to get through than others.  

Those who are left behind are buffeted by waves of highly charged emotion grief, confusion, regret, shock, sometimes even anger.  The emotions are so strong and so active that they are almost impossible to articulate in any coherent way. 

People have often remarked to me "I don't know how you can do a funeral for someone you don't know."  What I tell them is that doing a funeral for someone you don't know is actually far easier than doing a funeral for someone you do know because you were not connected to this person in life.  Although, hopefully, emotions such as respect, and sympathy, possibly even admiration for the deceased are almost always present, there is no loss of a relationship to endure, no memories of words exchanged or experiences shared to bring a tear to your eye and a lump to your throat.  

Last week I buried someone I knew.  Someone who died suddenly, far too young.  Someone whose death made a widow of a woman who became an orphan less than a month before.  So the emotions for her and her family were like a tsunami followed by a hurricane.

Although the family's tradition is Roman Catholic, because of my connection to the deceased, I was asked to take the funeral.  It was a honour, but it was also one of the hardest funerals I've had to do, in terms of keeping my own emotions in check.

Something happened right before we went in to start the service. I always pray with the family immediately beforehand, and this time was no exception.  However, on this occasion, one of the family members asked if we could do what they always do when they are together on important occassions, which is to say the Our Father (Lord's Prayer) the Hail Mary the Glory Be, and what she called "a little family prayer we always use". "Of course."  I said "I may be a little shaky on the Hail Mary..."  "No problem, you just start us off with the Our Father, and we'll take it from there."  So I did as she suggested, and sure enough, close to thrity people offered these ancient prayers with one voice. And to my surprise, carried along by the power of their devotion, I was in fact able to say all the words to the Hail Mary without pausing or stumbling. 

There was tremendous energy in that room and tremendous emotion- but not the tsunami or hurricane kind- more like gentle rolling waves of love and longing and tenderness carrying us along and holding us up. 

I am not a Roman Catholic, but I have a deep respect for the ritual use of these Christian prayers, these words for when there are no words, these words which give you something to cling to when the waves go over you head and threaten to pull you under. Those words and the praying of them  in a circle of love gave me the peace and the blessing I needed to bury this good man I knew.

Our Father
who art in heaven
hallowed be thy name
thy kingdom come
thy will be done
on earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread
and forgive us our trespasses
as we forgive thouse who trespass against us
And lead us not into temptaion
but deliver us from evil.
Amen.

Hail Mary, full of grace
the Lord is with thee
Blessed art thou among women
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death
Amen.

Glory be to the Father
and to the Son
and to the Holy Spirit
As it was in the beginning
is now, and ever shall be,
world without end.

TWR RIP